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Breaking Free From Bi-Sexuality (part 2)
by Amy R
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**Please read part 1 of this article for the beginning of my testimony.

...Here I was, married to a wonderful, attractive, Godly man, and I would find myself looking at websites I shouldn't look at. I would have to fight with these continual thoughts that would come pounding into my head. I would start having these terrible dreams for nights in a row that were just as bad as the movies I used to watch. I would wake up feeling like I had done all of these terrible things, when it was all just a dream. This went on for months, and finally I had to say something to Kevin. He knew about the relationship that I had several years ago, but he did not know the extent of what I was dealing with. I didn't even seem to know the extent of what I was dealing with, because I tried so hard to ignore it all the time. He was so good about talking to me about it all (as uncomfortable as it was) when I was feeling overwhelmed. It was very difficult at times (as you could imagine), because I didn't want Kevin to think that this had anything to do with him. This had nothing to do with me not being attracted to him. This was an issue in my life long before I met and fell in love with him. I love him, and he is everything I have ever wanted in a husband! Kevin just kept pointing me back to Jesus, and I could not have asked for anything more from him! The problem was, I kept shoving it down further and further, and it kept coming back up. At this point, it was bubbling over, and I confessed this to Kevin (and my pastor) because I felt like my life was starting to spiral out of control. One thing I have learned is that ignoring it doesn't work.

Certain questions have always haunted me, like "How did that happen in the first place?" "How do I prevent myself from feeling that way about somebody again?" "How can I ever have a close friend again without starting to feel something I shouldn't?" "Am I bi-sexual?" "Why can't I just move on?" After talking to my pastor about all of this (a few times!), I realized the difference between temptation and sin. It's not a sin to be tempted. Jesus was tempted all the time, but He never sinned. This lifted a HUGE weight of guilt off of me that never should have been there in the first place. My pastor once told me that when Satan tempted Jesus, He didn't ignore it. When Satan tempted Jesus, Jesus did not choose to ignore him and look the other way. Jesus didn't look away (like He didn't hear anything) and say, "Wow! Look at those pretty flowers in the field over there!" No, of course He didn't do that! Jesus would fight back with the Word. That's what I've been learning how to do. That's what God has given me (and you) the ability to do when we are up against something that seems bigger than we are. The truth is it may be bigger than we are. It isn't bigger than God is, though, and that's why we have to go to Him. He will give you the armor to fight your battles!

I have written this testimony because this is something that I struggled with for a very long time. The only way I can think to describe it is in comparison to a panic attack. I've never had a panic attack, but I know people who have. The first panic attack is bad enough. But then the fear of having another one is just as bad (if not worse). That's how I felt concerning all of this. I lived in fear that if I can't figure out why that relationship happened in the first place, how can I prevent myself from feeling that way again? I lived in fear of people finding out what I did. I lived in fear of people rejecting me if they knew. I lived in fear of getting "too close" to someone, because what if I don't know what "too close" is until it's too late?

Even though I've never had another relationship like that with a woman, I still sometimes live in fear that I will someday wish I could. Satan knows that, and he takes advantage of every opportunity that he can to pump some more fear into me. These are just a couple of ways that I have seen fear creeping into my life because of all of this: · I have to be very careful about the movies that I watch. If there is anything "provocative" in a movie that I see  that same fear kicks in. If this happens, I will have terrible dreams later that night that I wouldn't even dare try to describe to you. I wake up feeling like I have done so many horrible things, when I hadn't really done anything at all. · My friendships have been next to none. Over the last couple of years, I've been able to make some really good friends despite the fear I have to deal with. I'm learning that fear is just that...FEAR. It doesn't make anything true. Now that I'm rooted and grounded in a life with Jesus, I'm realizing that I don't need to be afraid anymore. I find my joy, in Him. When I'm lonely and feeling unloved...I go to Him! · I am sometimes afraid that if people knew what I have done, they would judge me or would "hit the road" as quickly as they could. I searched around to find a book or website about all of this that is coming from a Christian perspective. There are tons of resources available for men, but there's not too many out there for women. I know that there are women (and men) out there that deal with this like I do. There has to be. There are very few people in the Christian community who talk about this. It's not exactly a conversation to have over dinner! That doesn't mean that it isn't a problem, though. That doesn't mean that there aren't women (and men) who are struggling with this and have no idea what to do about it. They love God. They want to feel like they can live a life without this huge "secret" in their lives. Who can they turn to, though? I know that I felt unable to talk about this with any pastor I've ever had, until a couple of years ago. It can feel so lonely when you don't know of anyone who understands what you're going through. It can leave you feeling like something is incredibly wrong with you. Taking the chance of exposing this "secret" can mean losing a friendship. I do have to say that there is one thing that I have learned since putting this out in the open and exposing it to friends and family. When you talk about it, the power it has over you becomes less and less. SATAN LOVES SECRETS. He loves them, because secrets keep people from being healed. Secrets keep people in bondage. Secrets keep you feeling condemned. When you are able to talk to a pastor, counselor, or other Christian individual who will pray with you and believe for your healing, it is brought out into the light. It may seem incredibly uncomfortable at first (like turning on a light after you've been in a dark room). But when it's brought out into the light, Satan's grip on you becomes weakened. When your sins are exposed (no matter what they are), God is able to start the healing process. Praise God that He doesn't leave us where we were, and He provides a way out! There is healing and freedom available for those who struggle with bi-sexual/ homosexual thoughts, and it is found in Jesus!

Thank you, Jesus, for showing me who I am in You!

Written by: Amy R
I'm a happily married stay-at-home-mom with 2 little ones at home. I have a growing passion to help others discover who they are in Christ and find freedom in becoming who God created them to be.

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