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Online Chats for Wednesday, October 17, 2001
[Jessica] Well, I seem to have raised a violent one. [RonHuxley] Violent in what way. Can you describe it some more. [Jessica] My son got arrested last night for asult and injury to personal property. [Jessica] He has always been violent. [Jessica] Now I see that same mean temper in the 4 year old. [RonHuxley] How old is your son? [Jessica] My son is 23 [RonHuxley] You have a 23 yr old and a 4 yr old. Any other children? Dad? [Jessica] No dad, and the 4 year old is my grandson, but I am raising him. [RonHuxley] You have your hands full. does your 23 yr old live with you? [Jessica] I also have a 28 year old who is a sweet, peaceful young lady. [Jessica] Yes he does. I ask him to leave daily but he won't go. [Jessica] I don't know if the baby is acting out because of his father, or if it's just his temper. [RonHuxley] Just to get the full picture: who's child is the 4 yr old? [Jessica] He is my son's child. [RonHuxley] Oh, you answered the Q. [RonHuxley] it is probably example and biology. [Jessica] I should also mention that the 4 year old appears to be retarded. [Jessica] He has a profound learning delay and can't communicate. [RonHuxley] Has your son ever been diagnosed with a disorder, such as a mood disorder or ??? [Jessica] No. He had a lot of therapy as a child and they called it a personality disorder, which doesn't really mean anything to me. [RonHuxley] What type of personality disorder was he diagnosed with. >> RonHuxley has left the room [Jessica] guess he's having trouble [Marnie] guess so. [Jessica] They never diagnosed it any further than that. They said he was possibly Willie M - does that mean anything? [Jessica] A real tough kid to raise. [Jessica] I feel like there is nothing more I can do for him. He doesn't work or have any goals. [Jessica] I'm more concerned about the baby now. [Marnie] Man, you've really got a lot on you! [Marnie] does your son work at all? [Jessica] Well, it probably sounds terribly cruel, but I just don't worry about my son any more. [Jessica] No, he hasn't worked in a long time. [Marnie] I guess you have to let go at some point or you'd go nuts [Jessica] I think it's partly my fault for letting him stay here and not take any responsibility. [Jessica] He needs to be forced into a position where he has to take care of himself. [Jessica] I'm afraid the baby is going to be the same way. [Jessica] He has awful screaming fits. [Marnie] what does he do/say when you ask him to leave? [Jessica] They think he may just be frustrated because he can't communicate. [Jessica] Nothing, really. He just doesn't go. [Marnie] change the locks <bg> [Jessica] I can get a protective order because he has really torn up my house, but I keep hoping he will just go. [Marnie] children sense stress. And they act up and whine more when they do [Jessica] I can also do an official eviction. [Marnie] at least mine do [Jessica] I think you are right. [Marnie] I can see where you wouldn't want it to come to that >> RonHuxley has joined channel #TestRoom [RonHuxley] I'm back!!!! [Jessica] Welcome back!!!! [Marnie] ditto :) [RonHuxley] Got bumped off again. So sorry! [RonHuxley] Must be a bad connection on my end. [RonHuxley] Still the three of us :) [Marnie] yep [RonHuxley] Ok, where were we. Your son and grandson. [RonHuxley] I was asking what pers. dis. he was diagnosed with if you remember. [Jessica] I don't remember anything other than a personality disorder and possible Willie M. [RonHuxley] Willie M. ? What is that? [Jessica] It may just be a North Carolina thing. [Jessica] There are several criteria, and it's basically uncontrollably violent children. [RonHuxley] Well, let's deal with your son and then move on to the grandson. Ok? [RonHuxley] One thing at a time, eh? [Jessica] OK [Jessica] I really need to get him out of my house. [Jessica] He has done a lot of damage here. [RonHuxley] it sounds like he doesn't respect your boundaries. [RonHuxley] I am also curious about substance abuse. [Jessica] No. I've asked him to leave repeatedly. [Jessica] He's been in jail for substance abuse. [Jessica] A variety of substances. [Jessica] The last time it was paint thinner. [RonHuxley] Has he also attacked you? [Jessica] Not in the last year. [RonHuxley] Substance use is often a means to self-medicate the symptoms he is experiencing. [RonHuxley] Namely, violence aggressive behavior. [Jessica] I have had him arrested for assault. [RonHuxley] Good. That is a way to set firm boundaries on his behavior. [RonHuxley] He is unable to manage his impulses and we must set legal boundaries if necessary. [Jessica] He has been on medication, but now I don't see him every day, and he doesn't take it unless I remind him. [RonHuxley] Unfortunately, the legal boundaries don't necessarily teach insight and problem solving. [RonHuxley] it does help to keep you safe though. [RonHuxley] And keep himself safe from himself. [RonHuxley] Is he on probation? [Jessica] He just got off probation. [Jessica] But he got arrested again last night for beating up his girlfriend and kicking out her windshield. [RonHuxley] At the moment, the best thing, IMHO, is for him to be arrested and stay in jail where they can adequately monitor his violent behavior. [Jessica] I don't think there is anything I can do for him. The problem is too big. [RonHuxley] He is too out of control to do this on his own or on an out patient basis. [RonHuxley] I don't think there is at this point either. [Jessica] I think you're right. [RonHuxley] He is too out of control. [RonHuxley] You need external controls to deal with him, namely the legal system. [Jessica] He busted out a wall in my house over the weekend, and I've frankly just had it. [Marnie] curious... is he an alcoholic? [RonHuxley] I don't blame you. I don't know how you have coped. You are a very strong person to last this long. [Jessica] Probably. He smells of beer most of the time. [Jessica] I tried everything when he was younger, including inpatient care several times. [Jessica] And a children's home for 7 months. [Jessica] They discharged him because they couldn't control him. [RonHuxley] You have done a lot. I hope you don't blame yourself. [Jessica] I can see a lot of things I should have done differently, but you can't go back. [RonHuxley] Exactly , and you have his son now. [RonHuxley] Where is the mother? [Jessica] She lives here in town, but she is very young and not able to raise him. [Jessica] She visits a lot, and takes him overnight sometimes. [Jessica] She has no support from her family. [RonHuxley] Is she a teenager? [Jessica] Yes. [Marnie] is she a decent person? [Jessica] I think so. She gets mixed up with violent men a lot. She has never been in any trouble that I know of. [Jessica] She cares about the baby, but she is basically homeless and has trouble keeping a job. [RonHuxley] Your grandson is better off in your care for the moment. But I would focus on getting them to be together when she is of legal age. [RonHuxley] In the meantime, he has a number of complex issues too. [RonHuxley] A violent male role model. [Jessica] I think your right. I don't know what his prognosis is, but I think I'm going to get too old to care for him before he can be on his own. [RonHuxley] Developmental issues. [RonHuxley] and it is possible he has an emotional illness or personality disorder too. [RonHuxley] The first step is to check him out with medical specialist if possible. You may have taken care of that already. [Jessica] I don't know. They think the fact that he can't communicate contributes to the violence. [Jessica] Frustration at not being able to do things. [Jessica] He's been checked inside and out :) [Jessica] He has 4 therapists, a psychologist, and the special school. [RonHuxley] Good. You are ahead of the game with this help. [Jessica] But no help with the behavior. [RonHuxley] Not being able to communicate is frustrating and frustration often leads to aggression. [RonHuxley] The better his communication the better he can handle frustration. [Jessica] He has had two speech therapists for a year now. [Jessica] He was tested again last month and his percentiles ranged from <1 to 9 [RonHuxley] The brain literally changes as language evolves and causes us to be more in control of his behavior [Jessica] So he may calm down when he learns to talk? [RonHuxley] Yes, more than likely. This will help. But there are other ways to communicate with out verbal language. [Marnie] How does he respond to affection? I certainly don't have children with these types of issues, but I know that with my 4-year-old, a hug will go a long way to calm a violent outburst. [Jessica] He likes for me to rock him, but when he's kicking and screaming it's hard. [Jessica] I'm also concerned that he will learn to pitch a fit to get cuddled. [RonHuxley] There is a form of therapy called "holding therapy" that can help by holding the child during rages. But is is a very specialized therapy and some therapists don't understand it. [Marnie] When my daughter does this, I try to make eye contact and ask her, "Do you need a hug". Then she'll usually respond that she does and she'll do better. [Jessica] Eye contact is hard. I have to literally hold his head in my hand and force him to look at me. [Jessica] It's very hard to get his attention. [RonHuxley] That is a good idea. You can give him a hug when he throws a fit but make him wait and calm down sufficient to reward him for being calm, not out of control. [RonHuxley] Not pressure the eye contact but do ask for him to calm down and any less aggressive behavior is worth rewarding. [RonHuxley] Everything with your 4 yr old will be small, partial steps. [RonHuxley] He probably already feels like a failure at most things. he probably has a low self-esteem. [Marnie] no I wouldn't say the eye contact is that big a deal, but my daughter doesn't avoid it... I just like to look at someone's eyes to read what they're really feeling. That's why I mentioned it. [Jessica] I think so too. One good thing about the special school is that he has lots of opportunities to succeed. [RonHuxley] Good. [RonHuxley] As for the eye contact. This activate the central nervous system. Try staring at someone for a while. [Jessica] He doesn't really avoid it, I just can't get his attention. He doesn't hear me most of the time. [RonHuxley] Very uncomfortable to do this. Special needs children are already fired up neurological. [Jessica] And I have had his hearing tested. [Marnie] Would it help to make a big deal out of all the little things he *can do? [Marnie] interesting [Jessica] We do make a fuss over his successes. [RonHuxley] Yes. Really celebrate the little things. Efforts and accomplishments. [RonHuxley] Anything positive at this point is worth rewarding emotionally. [Marnie] is he potty trained? probably not - eh? [Jessica] No. We're working on it, but not pushing it. [RonHuxley] As for the hugging. I would suggest you have regular snuggling times through out the day. [Jessica] Good idea. [RonHuxley] 2 to 3 times per day is good when he can tolerate it. [RonHuxley] This does help calm him down [Jessica] He loves to cuddle. [RonHuxley] And he is emotionally at one or two years of age, not four. [RonHuxley] This last part is important to remember. [RonHuxley] He is four chronologically and one (?) emotionally and socially. [Jessica] 1yr. 11mos. they say. [Marnie] I'd imagine those cuddle times would work best when he's in his calmer moods? Maybe it would re-enforce the fact that he's acting more appropriately? [RonHuxley] Ha, I was close:) [RonHuxley] Yes, you are right on with that. [RonHuxley] How would your treat a 1.11 year old? [RonHuxley] Start where he is and move up the developmental ladder. so to speak. [Jessica] The problem is that he's bigger and stronger than the average 2 yr old. [RonHuxley] I know we haven't had much time but I need to go in a few minutes. Sorry. Kids of my own to take care of. [Jessica] OK. Thanks for the help. [RonHuxley] Yes that is a problem. But at home, nurture him as a 1.11 yr old. [Jessica] I'm going to try more cuddling. [RonHuxley] Good. it will help you both, eh? [RonHuxley] Work also on setting high, consistent structure. [Jessica] I'm sure it will :) [Jessica] OK. Thanks for the help. [RonHuxley] Yes that is a problem. But at home, nurture him as a 1.11 yr old. [Jessica] I'm going to try more cuddling. [RonHuxley] Good. it will help you both, eh? [RonHuxley] Work also on setting high, consistent structure. [Jessica] I'm sure it will :) [RonHuxley] And work on finding ways to communicate. The specialists don't know more about your son than you do. Work on this yourself too. [Jessica] Marnie, are you still here? [Marnie] yep [Jessica] I'm sorry - I didn't give you much of a chance. [RonHuxley] I can schedule a "make-up" chat if need be... [Jessica] Don't you have half a dozen or so? [Marnie] Oh, that's fine. I didn't have anything particular. I'm glad Ron was able to give you some good ideas. [Marnie] 6 :) [RonHuxley] Jessica you can also post some comments on my site at www.parentingtoolbox.com [Jessica] I don't know how you do it. [Marnie] Sorry you had so much trouble tonight Ron. Thanks for trying so hard to be here and doing this! [RonHuxley] There are quite a few experts there. [Jessica] I post there from time to time. [Marnie] My prayers are with you, Jessica! [RonHuxley] It was my pleasure Marnie. Sorry my connection was bad! [Jessica] I posted about our dinnertime turmoil, but that's a whole different issue. [Jessica] Thanks, Marnie. [RonHuxley] Dont' forget to pray. God gives us the strength to do what we feel we can never do. [Jessica] I've tried that, too. [Marnie] keep it up... it works! :) [RonHuxley] Goodnight and thanks for the time, however short! [Jessica] Scary to think I may have to raise another one like David all over again! [Jessica] Good Night. [Marnie] goodnight Ron [Jessica] Good night, Marnie. >> RonHuxley has left channel #TestRoom [Jessica] Thanks for hosting this. [Marnie] Good night, Jessica. Thanks for coming! |
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