Embracing the Differences in Your Marriage

Ruth_Joy: Welcome to Embracing the Difficulties. It is so easy in our every day life to allow the differences in our mates to antagonize us and drive us apart rather than together have any of you experienced that? I would like to have your feedback, if you don`t mind
Butterfly: Opposites attract if they don`t kill each other in the mean time
cass: yes, but then it`s time to open up and start communicating your thoughts and feelings.
Ruth_Joy: yes, and that is the interesting part - intially you were attracted to one another because of the differences
Ruth_Joy: what I am trying to empahsize today is to remember what you enjoyed about your mate in the very beginning
Ruth_Joy: we are different for a reason
marnie: You mean like, I like to work all the time and my hubby likes to relax alot?
Ruth_Joy: yes, marnie that could be an example
Ruth_Joy: in other words if we really can understand why our mate is different (he is wired differently) we can appreciate that difference and make the most of it
cass: exactly...when you marry, you marry for better or worse....
Ruth_Joy: we can really use our mates differences to our advantage
cass: it also helps if you`re mate is your best friend
cass: only second to God
Ruth_Joy: Here is an example: our mates are very "task oriented." They cannot process 2 jobs(thougths) at a time as we can. We can allow that to annoy us
cass: :)
Ruth_Joy: however they cannot change that they are wired differently so we need to learn to use that to our advantage. If you give your mate ONE task to accomplish and let him know how much that will help you, you will be amazed at how capable they become and how good they feel about themselves for being able to accomplish what you asked them to. Are you following me here?
Butterfly: yes
marnie: So you`re saying we should only ask for one thing at a time and not give them a list?
Ruth_Joy: absolutely! a list confuses them
Mia: At the risk of sounding cynical, it sounds like we have to talk to them like we talk to our children.
Ruth_Joy: another example - you go shopping with your mate ARGGHHHH LOL
Ruth_Joy: your leisure enjoyment of shopping confuses him. He is task oriented so if you share with him what the hunt is for (1 item only) he will hunt with you relentlessly until you are satisfied
cass: That`s true. Your spouse is your first child/guinea pig.
Ruth_Joy: But if he has no direction and no task at hand he cannot function
Ruth_Joy: LOL!
cass: :)
Ruth_Joy: Then once his task is accomplished don`t forget the PRAISE ENCOURAGEMENT, Big time!! They eat it up! and now you are making them feel good about themselves.
Ruth_Joy: Pretty soon you`ve got them eating out of the palm of your hand LOL
cass: once you start praising and encouraging, they may start doing things on their own.
marnie: So one thing at a time and lots of praise ... Mia it is like a child!
Ruth_Joy: yes cass you`re right - but it is a learning process
Mia: It is! But hey, if it works LOL
Ruth_Joy: yes, Marnie. It works believe me!
Ruth_Joy: Another area they are so different is in their identity with their work. To a man his job is his identity. To us our homes are more our identity. Following me?
cass: my husband feels strange if he has a day off. He generally works everyday.
Ruth_Joy: yes,
Butterfly: that`s true, he works all the time
Ruth_Joy: Sometimes we can do them in by not being interested in their jobs
Mia: My husband doesn`t want to talk about work when he comes home!
Ruth_Joy: You will notice a huge difference in your man if you just become a teensy weeensy bit interested in his job -
Butterfly: mine either
Ruth_Joy: well, then this does not apply to you :-) that is not usually the case.
marnie: My husband and I are different... our roles are flip flopped. He likes to shop and remember the details and I`m into my work and hate to shop. Once we figured out that we were flip-flopped, we`ve been so much happier.
cass: yes. It helps to ask them about it even if your`re clueless as to what he`s talking about! It shows them that you are interested in more than just "home"
Ruth_Joy: yes, that`s the idea - recognize the differences - so what if you`re flipflopped! LOL
cass: :)
Ruth_Joy: yes cass, you got it - pretend you understand and are extremely interested - tell him how smart he is that he can understand that stuff and once again you have them eating out of the palm of your hand :-)
cass: they may even begin to ask you questions too! :) lol
Ruth_Joy: yup - you`re right -
Mia: My husband would rather talk "current events" and politics, so I watch the news.
Ruth_Joy: that`s good Mia - just a little effort on our parts to understand and appreciate what interests them will go along way
marnie: My hubby likes sports... but I can`t bring myself to watch them. Poor thing I bait and switched him. I used to watch them when we were dating, cause I just enjoyed being with him, but now I won`t and he can`t figure what`s up. :)
Butterfly: read a magazine
Ruth_Joy: well, see that`s what I mean
cass: you were baiting him!
Mia: Me too, Marnie!! LOL
Ruth_Joy: or do your hobby, sew, cross stitch, etc.
cass: my husband doesn`t like sports, but I do.
Ruth_Joy: just the extension of yourself into his realm is a good thing
Ruth_Joy: We can teach them anything - we need to
cass: give a little--get a little!
cass: :)
Ruth_Joy: yes, cass
Ruth_Joy: also think about this part of it: if someone else comes along and starts being interested in them, adores what they do and here we are at home picking at it and hating it...see how we are setting ourselves up for failure!
Ruth_Joy: another difference that we need to be aware of is this: A guy seldom gets a compliment about the way he looks (generally speaking)
Ruth_Joy: think about it
cass: always be ready for that! It happened to me once. I lost him for almost two years. A lot of prayer, patience, and tlc brought him back.
Ruth_Joy: you see a guy you haven`t seen in a while - you know something is different but aren`t sure what. Well meanwhile the guy has gone and shaved off his beard which took him a lot of thought and time and courage. We can`t even remember what is different meanwhile with our girlfriends, as soon as she re colors her hair we are oooohing and aaahhing at how good her hair looks, etc. etc. You with me here?
cass: That happens when we get caught up in the daily mix of things and forget about the little things that matter to us. You have to stop and smell the roses and fertilize them every now and then.
Ruth_Joy: my point is that if you are never telling your man how good he looks - and someone else should start to tell him he looks good... again you are setting yourself up for trouble jenette_1: then he`s gonna go where he feels good
Mia: _.4 I happen to think my husband`s as handsome as the day I met him, but I need to tell him that, huh?!
cass: yes and quick!! jenette_1: I always tell Mike that just because I like the "strut" he does afterwards !
Ruth_Joy: so even if you have a hard time figuring out what to admire about him
Butterfly: So how do you get him back when he`s gone there?
Mia: That`s cute Jenette!
Ruth_Joy: LOL!
Ruth_Joy: well, remember how you got him in the first place?
cass: fight to win him back! You won his heart to start with!
Butterfly: sure jenette_1: I think there`s always SOMETHING worthy in people, don`t you? Even if it`s that they have nice finger nails? Or a shirt looks nice on them.
Butterfly: Everyone has a gift
Ruth_Joy: yes, look for something to admire! and admire until (if there were another woman standing in the room with you she would puke) LOL!
Mia: You`re making some great points here.
Jenette: You know, I always notice that when Mike and I go out, we`re "better" afterwards. Probably because when we`re out I make a point of listening to him and holding his hand. I do it on purpose because I know he likes to feel loved. There`s gotta be something to that.
Ruth_Joy: thanks Mia
Ruth_Joy: yes absolutely jeneette! listening is another BIGGIE
Ruth_Joy: really listening!
Mia: I think men "seem" unemotional, so we tend to forget they need attention too?
Ruth_Joy: if you`re not sure whether or not you are really listeing to him or not try this
cass: it`s always special to "date" your husband.
Ruth_Joy: ah yes, the male ego is actully very fragile more than they let on!
cass: yes, it is. That`s why when another woman notices them, they are amazed!
Ruth_Joy: the next time he is talking to you - do not think of what you will say when he `s done but rather repeat back to him in your own words what he has just said. It is called mirroring.
Mia: Kind of like "so what I hear you saying is..." ?
Ruth_Joy: it would go - "so what I am hearing you say is this......."
cass: they like confirmation
Butterfly: Great sales technique and it does help understand
Ruth_Joy: yes YES!! you will be amazed at what that does for your communication!
Mia: I`d try it right now, but Hubby`s asleep on the couch LOL
Ruth_Joy: LOL! mia! you could start snoring! HAHAHAHA
Mia: LOL!!
cass: plant a kiss on his forehead
Ruth_Joy: just think about a person in your life that truly listened to you. I bet you can name them
cass: my husband
Ruth_Joy: another thing to realize is this: the strengths your mate has actually enhance your existence in other words - usually where he is strong you are weak
cass: focus on that and let go of the weaknesses. You fill in those gasps with your own strengths.
Butterfly: true
Ruth_Joy: so USE that to your advantage. I once a heard a story that goes like this (TRUE story) a woman was home all day and the hot water heater broke. Her husband was away for a day or two although her husband usually adequately took care of those type of things she decided to handle it herself and surprise him and get it all fixed before he came home. Well, instead of her husband being SOOOOOO delighted that she had gone ahead and fixed it he was actually disappointed - his comment was - I guess you don`t really need me - so that helps us to realize that they have that NEED thing too!
Mia: You weren`t kidding about that fragile ego thing.
cass: she made herself self-sufficient and that scares our men sometimes.
Ruth_Joy: They need to be needed - so even tho WE CAN DO IT! - sometimes - no Mia! i wasn`t - LET THEM BE THE HERO AND DO IT! LOL!
Ruth_Joy: yes, they need to believe that we need them desperately just as we like to feel they need us!
cass: but if we act stupid, they may catch on if you're not careful. lol
Ruth_Joy: is this helpful?
Ruth_Joy: yes, but you`d be surprised - how far you can go with that!
Ruth_Joy: do you have any other questions along these lines?
cass: i guess it depends on how much communication goes on within the marriage!
Ruth_Joy: absolutely - communication is a very VITAL KEY!!
Ruth_Joy: sometimes it is easier for us to share ourselves with our girl friends than with our hubbies
Ruth_Joy: I know it is easier to do with our female friends but we must work at sharing ourselves with our mates!
cass: and our mates get jealous
Mia: What if it seems he`s not interested. He swears he's listening, but his body language doesn`t show it.
Ruth_Joy: sure - you would too - if he came home and jumped on the phone to share his day with his buddy instead of you!
Ruth_Joy: Mia, keep working at it - and keep listening to him - in time you will reap the rewards
Ruth_Joy: basically teach him how to be what you need him to be :-)
cass: Any ideas on what to do when they feel depressed and feel like they need to be alone?
Ruth_Joy: we women truly have the power to make him or break him
Mia: You`re scaring me LOL
Ruth_Joy: find out the source of the depression if you can
Ruth_Joy: i don`t want you to feel scared but rather empowered
cass: what if you know and there`s nothing that you feel you can do about it, with the exception of prayer?
Ruth_Joy: again start to praise him - if he makes a baby step in the direction you want him to
Ruth_Joy: then PRAY like crazy -
cass: my husband has a poor relationship with his mother.
Ruth_Joy: but don`t stop doing
Butterfly: That`s where I am. I`ve had to turn it over to God and pray for guidance
cass: she has an extremely negative attitude about everything he says or does and it is hard to break the hold she has on him
Ruth_Joy: and God will guide you! You will be amazed sometimes at what God will show you to do and when you do it - it really works!
cass: I know! That`s what brought him back when he wandered away.
Ruth_Joy: I was once in an abusive situation and was beside myself as to what to do
Butterfly: It`s hard to trust God completely when we feel we should do something
Ruth_Joy: it was amazing to me how God guided me and showed me what to do
Butterfly: That`s what I`m counting on
Ruth_Joy: but I couldn`t just sit and wait for things to happen I had to DO what God showed me to do - do you follow my meaning?
Butterfly: absolutely
Mia: I`m a firm believer in the power of prayer..I`ve seen it in action.
Ruth_Joy: believing in God is the GREAT lesson of our whole life - since we call ourselves BELIEVERS
cass: I was once with my husband. We both had to take anger management classes and learn why the abuse happened and what to do to stop it.
Ruth_Joy: it wasn`t easy for the women of old in the Bible nor is it for us - this is not surprising but it is CERTAINLY WORTH IT!
Mia: Did it help, Cass?
Ruth_Joy: that`s it - sometimes you have to DO sommething to help the situation
cass: Yes it did. We talk a lot more now. It may hurt us what hear, but in the long run, bottled up feelings yield abuse.
Ruth_Joy: exxactly!
cass: Again, communication is the key!
Mia: Even if it hurts, I guess...
Ruth_Joy: once you are committed to each other - you can hear the hurtful stuff and know that you are in it for the long haul and will work it out.
cass: yes, but making up is the fun part! :)
cass: Amen Ruth!
Ruth_Joy: and the TRUTH sets you free! don`t forget that - it may be a bit painful - like pulling off a scab but then oh the relief!
Mia: Great analogy!
Ruth_Joy: LOL making up is the BEST ! YES!!:-)
cass: carpe` diem
Butterfly: It`s certainly something to look forward to !
Ruth_Joy: yes it is! :-)
cass: better to make up than to break up!
Ruth_Joy: indeed!
Ruth_Joy: are there any other questions?
Mia: I got one...
Ruth_Joy: go ahead mia
Mia: Does it seem like it`s the women that have to do all the work and coddling? LOL
Butterfly: amen
Ruth_Joy: well, again - teach HIM
Ruth_Joy: I once heard a speaker say - the toucher is the healthy one
cass: sometimes! Tease him see if he catches on!
Butterfly: Why is the woman the one more centered on the relationship?
Ruth_Joy: he can`t divorce you because you touched him too much LOL!!
Mia: If I ever have a boy, I`ll teach him so his wife doesn`t have to LOL (Don`t get me wrong...I adore my husband.)
cass: women mature faster
Ruth_Joy: we as women are more relational - that is how we are wired - a man does not have that piece. He is not supposed to - that`s why we got it
cass: lol
cass: good idea Mia
Ruth_Joy: have you ever read any of Gary Smalley`s books? They are GREAT for relationship stuff!
Butterfly: yes
Ruth_Joy: There is a book also by Dr. Wheat "Intended for Pleasure" it is a great tool for both partners. Get it and read it out loud to each other (mho) solo: yes mia good idea
Ruth_Joy: it is such a great teaching tool - you will both learn how to help each other and heighten enjoyment with each other
marnie: We`ve got a good marriage workshop by Edwina Patterson at the conference too... It`s at "Redeeming the Time With My Husband". It`s a self-paced workshop... all online. :) So you can go through it at your liesure.
Mia: She has some super ideas...I did a review on that book.
marnie: Right... courtesy of Mia`s www.MainStreetMom.com :)
Ruth_Joy: thanks Mia
Mia: (Thanks Marnie LOL)
Ruth_Joy: That`s neat!
Butterfly: thanks
marnie: welcome. :)
cass: that`s wonderful
Ruth_Joy: Anything else? I can only be here another 10 minutes or so
marnie: Michael Webb (the Romantic Man) also has some great ideas for increasing the romance in your marriage. Click here for those.
Mia: You ladies made me get up and give my hubby a kiss on the forehead (thanks Cass). He smiled.
Ruth_Joy: Perhaps we could pray together before closing? would you mind?
Mia: I`d love it.
Ruth_Joy: you go girl! :-) keep it up!
marnie: I`ve used Michael`s ideas and they REALLY work... got Greg to bring me a dozen red roses out of the blue one day! :)
Ruth_Joy: that`s great Marnie!
cass: I have really enjoyed talking with all of you. It`s nice to be able to talk with an adult outside of my home.
Mia: I`ve enjoyed it too!
Ruth_Joy: yes, it has been wonderful! you ladies are great!
Butterfly: it`s been great
marnie: Thanks for coming everyone.
Ruth_Joy: well, then let`s pray
Ruth_Joy: Lord we are so thankful you are in our lives
Ruth_Joy: I pray for each one of these ladies in this chat today that you will enable them in a new way to be the godly spouses that you have called them to be. Where they need help and wisdom, I pray that you will impart it to them. I pray that you will enrich each one of their marriages by your power. May each marriage be richer for having been here today. Continue to bless this online conference. We thank you for Marnie and her vision! In Christ`s name - Amen
Butterfly: amen, and thanks
marnie: Amen. Thank you Ruth for teaching this class and for your powerful prayer in our behalf. God bless.